Pumping Irony

Bought the gym, right? Waited til my day off to put it together, right? (it's a minimum 6 hour project.) Just follow the instructions, right? WRONG. Instructions weren't included!
First, I'm not strong enough to lift the parts. I need to go to the gym so I can assemble the gym.
Second, I tracked down the instructions online; the nonexistent correlation between the brand/model number printed on the box and the brand/model number on the website's instructions was fun.
Third, none of the parts are marked or labeled; half are just floating loose in the boxes.
Fourth, in order to assemble this thing I need a couple of adjustable wrenches. I realize I'm supposed to be all 'I am woman, hear me roar' but I'd rather have a couple of adjustable men assembling this thing for me.

Step one: kill self.