Crazy Good

Any experimentation I've done with substituting cauliflower for carbs e.g. potatoes, bread, etc, has been successful in that it was tasty and I didn't go blind after eating it. The consistency of these dishes was usually a little disappointing in that there's no way a plate of mush could double as a grilled cheese... until today. A small series of minor yet unforseen events led to a lovely cauliflower thin crust that not only holds it's shape, it holds it's shape very well and can be handled easily sans total destruction. Warning: the following instructions are just what I did personally, I'm sure there are other ways of achieving similar results... I'm just winging it over here.

Italian Seasoned Crazy Bread

Bread:
1 lb cauliflower florets (I used half of a frozen 1 kg bag)
1/2 cup parmesan
4oz cream cheese, cut into chunks
1/2 tsp garlic salt
1/4 tsp onion flakes
1/4 tsp sea salt
2 eggs
2 tbs olive oil

Preheat oven to 375. I used the world's loudest food processor to finely chop the frozen cauliflower until it was the basically the consistency of uncooked rice with a few larger chunks remaining for good measure. I spread it evenly in an ungreased 13 x 9 baking pan then baked it for about 20 minutes to cook out some of the moisture. Removed the pan from the oven and let it cool about 10 minutes then scraped the cauliflower into a large cloth (use a tea towel... I didn't have a tea towel. Mistake AND a lame story) twisted it closed and squeezed the shit out of it over the sink to extract the water. It took a few tries but I was left with a dense lump of 'dough' that looked like it measured about a cup in volume. I was all, whaaaaat? That's it that's all that's everything?? But I pressed on.
Placed the dough in a medium mixing bowl added all the remaining ingredients. I first kind of mashed it all together with my hands (mistake) then used a blender to smooth it all out. Tasted it and corrected the seasoning with another shake of salt. Greased the same baking pan with the olive oil then scraped the cauliflower mixture into the pan and evenly patted it flat. I was horrified... the layer of veg was like 1/4 of an inch thick (mistake) I'd underestimated how far the pound of cauliflower would go, but whatever right? Popped the pan back in the oven, baked for 12 minutes until it was puffing up and brown around the edges. Took it out of the oven, then prepared the topping.

Seasoning:
5 tbs parmesan
1 tbs italian seasoning
1/2 tsp sea salt
2 tbs unsalted butter, melted

I combined the dry ingredients and set them aside. Drizzled the melted butter all over the cauli bread, then sprinkled the seasoning evenly and liberally all over the butter. Put the pan back in the oven one last time and cranked it up to broil. Kept a close eye on it for about 4 minutes until golden (it browned very abruptly) and remove it from the oven. Leave it to cool in the pan about 10 minutes then cut it into squares... and whaddya know, it held together! My stupidity pays off!!

Just Because I Need You Doesn't Mean I Want You

Identifying LCHF peeps through work is like shooting low-carb fish in a barrel: any time a person orders an unsweetened anything with heavy cream? I pounce, asking a few questions in the name of chitchat: the cream in your coffee, is it a flavor thing or a carb thing? If they answer with the latter, conversation ensues, we swap stories, I let them know about my blog should they be inclined to check it out, yadda yadda yadda. (Should they respond with the former, I usually just say "oh" and let the convo die a natural death.) This tactic works great with women, we tend to seek support of the similarly minded. Men, however, seem to believe that showing minute interest must mean I want them. Seck-sually. There was this one particular guy who asked for coffee with heavy cream and I asked the flavor v. carb question. He said he's LCHF, and I asked if he cooks. He does. I told him about my blog, and he looked first skeptical, then smug. Yeah zip up there sparky. I asked about carbs, not your dick. And you're not that hot.

I'm just looking to meet new peeps. LCHF is a big part of my life and not having to explain myself to people would be cool.
"Ew, how can you eat that?" Um, it's delicious?
"Do you know how many calories are in that??" Yep. Thousands.
"Yeah well I KNOW because I was reading online that..." Please stop talking. Please.
"Oh come on, one cookie won't hurt!" Seriously, fuck off.
"How long are you going to be on this crazy diet?" Ummm... forever? It's a lifestyle, dumbass.

Okay, rant over.
Class dismissed.

Something Something Something Supper

My daughter decided a year or so ago that she's a vegetarian, so I'm always trying new recipes that we can share for supper... because I ain't cooking twice. She'll eat eggs and veggies, hence the abundance of soufflé activity. Today's version includes, as always, shit I had lying around in the fridge: the last of the broccoli slaw, last of the parm, a few eggs, and frozen cauliflower. Y'all should probably know that I cook mostly by feel, mostly just following my instincts, so the measurements are sorta imprecise but I tried. 

Creamed Veggie Soufflé

1 cup broccoli slaw

2 cups frozen cauliflower florets

1/4 cup unsalted butter + another 1/4 cup melted unsalted butter

1/2 cup heavy cream

2 egg yolks

3 egg whites (I had an extra in the fridge)

1 tsp lemon juice

1/2 tsp + 1/4 tsp garlic salt

1/2 tsp sea salt

1/2 shredded parmesan, reserve 3 tbs

Preheat oven to 400. First, boil the broccoli slaw and cauliflower together in salted water until the veggies are very soft. Drain, toss them back into the pot and shake them over medium heat to evaporate the excess water. Add the first amount of butter to the pot, stir until melted and coating the vegetables. Add the cream, the first amount of garlic, and half the salt. Stir until liquid is reduced. Remove from heat. Use an immersion blender or food processor to blend the mixture until smooth and creamy. Liberally butter a 1 quart casserole, pour the creamed vegetables into the dish. Set aside. 

Whisk the egg yolks and lemon juice together in a stainless steel bowl until the mixture is thick and light. Place the bowl over a pot of barely simmering water, the bottom of the bowl shouldn't be touching the water. Continue to whisk rapidly, careful to not let the eggs get too hot because they'll scramble. Slowly drizzle in the melted butter and continue to whisk the eggs until the sauce is thick and hollandaisey. Remove from heat, whisk in the second amount of garlic salt and set the yolk mixture aside to cool. 

In a separate bowl, beat the egg whites until stiff but not dry. The yolk sauce should be around room temperature by this time, gently fold the egg whites into the sauce 1/3 at a time, alternating with the larger amount of parm. Everything should still be fluffy but well combined. Turn it out into the casserole, sprinkle the reserved parmesan evenly over the top. Put it in the oven and immediately reduce the temperature to 375. Bake for about 25 minutes, DO NOT PEEK for the first 20. Serve immediately.

Jim? Jim Who?

My project today was making jello shots for a BBQ tomorrow night. Orange, grape, and sugar-free lemon all mixed with whipped cream flavored vodka (guess which ones I'm having). Last minute inspiration due to today's supreme court decision led to an idea for pride shots... but I was too slow on the uptake to procure the red, green, and blue jello and by this time every store is closed. Pfft. Small towns. 

Sugar-Free Jello Shots

1 small pkg SF jello, any flavor

1 cup boiling water

1/2 cup vodka (I used whipped cream flavored vodka)

1/2 cup cold water

This recipe is super basic and also applies to regular jello if you're into that sort of thing. Pour powder into bowl, add boiling water, stir until jello is completely dissolved. Add cold water and vodka, stir. Pour into disposable shot glasses (shockingly available at a dollar store near you) or small paper cups or what have you. Chill 4 hours or over night. Party on.

Nothing fancy for dinner tonight, instead the other big accomplishment today was the purchase of a home gym. Fancy, 700 bucks but got it half priiiiiice! The bestie and I went to buy it, and three store employees with a heavy duty cart loaded it into the truck. I hope you have someone to help get it into the house, they said. Fuck off, we thought. Thank you, we said. And yes, we managed to unload it ourselves. In case there's any lingering doubt, we rock. Hard.

Shake N Fucking Bake

I'm essentially lazy. I don't want to deal with the mess of a dozen fucking bowls and fucking spatulas and fucking brushes and shit, so I use the simplest method of seasoning and cooking a steak ever: a fucking bag.

A dozen or so white mushrooms, halved

1 AAA striploin steak

Small red onion, thick cut into rings

Red wine (I used an impudent cabernet)

Olive oil

Coarse salt

Fresh ground black pepper

Garlic salt

A large freezer bag

Preheat oven to 400. Place meat and veg into the freezer bag, add seasoning, oil, and red wine to your heart's content. Seal and shake the bag until everything is well coated. Pour it all onto a foil-lined baking sheet, cook for about 20 minutes, check for doneness, turning steak and stirring vegetables. Bake for about another 10 minutes. Serve.

Fucking Awful But Fucking Good

Dinner. There's a half pound of lean ground pork in the fridge to be cooked now or never. Let's see... what else:

1/2 lb lean ground pork

2-3 cups broccoli slaw (find it pre-bagged in the salad section)

2 eggs

garlic salt

Newman's Own brand Lite Italian dressing

I started out by frying the pork, I had no idea what I was going to do with it. The meat was lean, very little grease in the pan when it was cooked. Olive oil seemed meh... peanut oil? Nah. Coconut oil and pork? Fuck. So I looked in the fridge door and saw the italian dressing was half oil, the rest seasoning sooooo why not? Shook it up, poured a bit in the pan with the meat, continued cooking to reduce the liquid and leave the fat. Threw in the broccoli slaw and stir fried the mixture for a couple minutes. Sprinkled liberally with garlic salt, continued cooking. Smelled pretty good but looked a little spartan so I beat a couple eggs, made a well in the center of the stir-fry and poured in the eggs, then pulled the cooked meat mixture over the center to distribute. Removed the pan from the heat (the eggs cook almost immediately and continue cooking off the burner) gave it a taste test for seasoning... looks fucking awful but tastes fucking good. Sorta chow-meiny without the noodles. 

That Stupid Song

It's nearly time for another grocery restock and as a result, today's meals were on the interesting side. First, a no-bake coconut lime cheesecake. The addition of coconut was a last minute inspiration based on the fact that I had some just sitting in the cupboard. So good.

2 + 1 tbs organic coconut

1 250g (8oz) pkg cream cheese, softened 

1 cup heavy cream

1 pkg sugar-free lime jell-o
1 tbs lime juice

1/4 cup boiling water

Whip the cream until stiff, set aside. Add jell-o to the boiling water, stir until completely dissolved. Beat the cream cream cheese until smooth, continue beating while slowly drizzling in the jell-o, then add the lime juice and thoroughly mix. Fold in the whipped cream gently, you want this to maintain it's fluffiness because awwwww! Fluffy! Set aside. Distribute two tablespoons of the coconut evenly between 12 paper-lined muffin cups. Spoon the cheesecake mixture into the cups, each should be about 3/4 full. Sprinkle the remaining coconut over the tops of the little cakes, refrigerate until firm (about 4 hours). Yum.